With a Little Help from My Friends

The journey of my honesty has churned up some things in several of my friends. It certainly has in me for I am looking deeper inside at my behavior past and present. One of my dear friends, after reading my last blog, with concern in her email encouraged me to "be selfish" and accept the bounty that is mine. I am really stepping into that. I think. Another dear friend, a therapist, gave me great advice as well. I confessed my exhaustion at feeling like I am in a fight, sending emails of dismay to people and organizations I have worked with. I am fighting for respect. I am fighting for appreciation. She said, "Don't think of it as a fight. See it as being assertive." With an exhale, I got it.

I woke up this morning at 4:30am with the same email in my head, that I would soon send, someday, to the LA Mission people. After creating a Fearless Women Luncheon with celebrities, fundraising, media attention and a packed room, I didn't even get an email thankyou! So being assertive I emailed them a very strong email. In return I recieved an "I'm sorry and we will miss you, goodbye." After 20 years of contribution to them, that's what they gave me. Hmmm, very interesting.

So I embrace my sword and move on to another organization that will appreciate what I do. Ironically, now that I am being more "assertive", the phone rang all day yesterday with photography jobes and book orders. The Universe works in miraculous and amazing ways.

This afternoon, I will photograph Laura Bush and Maria Shriver at an event called "The Art of Humanity" benefiting the Grossman Burn Foundation. I have been working on a porject with Rebecca Grossman, "Stop Violence Against Women Globally." So it will be interesting to see if I can get Laura Bush to look into the video camera and say that.

Today starts Venus going into retrograde until my birthday December 20th. It's a time to go deep into feelings about reletionships and money. Interesting! I will wake up and put my "big girl pants on", meditate, pray and enter my day with calm and assertiveness. I like the new me! I am grateful for my wise friends, noticing things that I don't. I am grateful for this day, for this life, and for the bounty that is mine! Exhale...

It Good To Give...Just Don't Forget Yourself

How many women give and give and then get pissed that they don't get? I don't think I am pissed. I have just noticed, with a little help from my friends, that I give alot of my time and services to charities and great movements for the planet and don't monetize anything for myself. What is that about? I don't have the belief that I don't deserve, or do I? It's something to look at. This week, almost everything I am doing is for a charity. It's wonderful but here I am filing for bankruptcy tomorrow. What's up with that, I ask myself? I am in the midst of deep questioning. I know the answers but don't know the questions. It's an interesting place to be.

I had a meeting with three women friends, one of them new and two old friends. We got together to brainstorm on the Fearless Women concept and how to monetize. We ate sumptuous soup that Joe made and shared our insights about life. A couple hours into our meeting I took a deep breath and shared about our financial troubles and that we were filing bankruptcy this week. It was a relief to be open and honest about my life. The shocker was to hear that all three of them had filed bankruptcy at some point. Honest sharing opens the doors for others to come clean. It brought us all so much closer. The shame and secrecy left the room after the box was opened. Life is amazing!

I woke up churned up about my disappointment about my Fearless Luncheon at the LA Mission. I know I have to write them a very firm email about their ungrateful behavior towards me. The only email I received from them six weeks after the event fundraiser Id did for them is a complaint on how badly the event planer behaved and how little money they made. Looking at my behavior, how could I have made the experience different. Why did I draw this into me. I don't know. I have so much of my own stuff going on right now. I bring this up because this post is about charity. Oh dear, I am boring my self right now.

So today, I am tying up loose ends with a couple people I have issues with and then focusing on my profitable projects. I was reminded by the sun coming up over the hill this morning in all her glory, to stop and take notice of natures visual poetry. I live for that and I am grateful.

We Always Return to our First Love

When I read this phrase in the Daily Guide in Science of Mind Magazine, I thought of two things. First, my first real love is Joe but then I thought "no", my first love is God and myself as one. Being raised Catholic, it is challenging for me to think of God inside of me. We were always taught that God was out there or actually up there, looking after us, being this judgemental being. I am leaning that God is inside me, expressing herself as me. So it made me think, if that is so, why am I going through such sadness, fear and distress with our money situation? God wants only the best for us and it's up to us to make our life "the best." It makes us truly responsible for everything we do. We can't wait for God to save us. God already saved us by creating us. Am I talking out loud in this post? So going back to knowing this reminds me that, more than ever, I need to live in a grateful heart.

Life is such a game. I am in it to win! I am in it to have fun! Sometimes it's just damn painful but is that all self imposed? We are filing bankruptcy next week. There I said it! I even started videotaping our journey this morning. I am not quite sure how this will all go. Did I just say we were filing bankruptcy? I actually wrote it out loud! It sounds so irresponsible, like we are bad kids that can't pay our bills and so we just won't play anymore. That, however, is not the scariest part. The scariest part is that we are taking the last bit of money out of Joe's IRA. After that is gone, we will have absolutely no money. That's the thought in our heads, anyway. I start thinking about my friend Nancy who said, "Why don't you buy our Airstream and live on a piece of land." Are we bound to become trailer trash people living on welfare and food stamps? Is that a judgement on people living in trailers? I guess so. I am as bad as everyone else...nose in the air. Is this poetic justice? I would rather be a gypsy. It sounds more romantic. Perhaps that's what we will do. Well, that is sort of what we will do on our Fearless Grateful Live Tour.

I woke up with this thought of how we can get a reality show for this project and perhaps raise a little cash. It's really out there and will take our performing skills. Most of all it will take a lot of guts. I thought that for a full day, we could stand (although I think I will bring a stool) on the corner of the off ramp that goes to Universal and to Warner Bros. studios. That's where a lot of producers drive by. We could hold signs saying, "honk if you are grateful," or "need money to pay our mortgage" and better yet, "looking for someone to produce a reality show around our Fearless Grateful Live Tour." We would video tape this day and see what happens. It certainly would draw attention. We would have to negotiate with the druggie that homesteaded that corner. Perhaps we could give him a cut of our take.

I spoke to my older brother, Jim last night. He and his wife are going on a three week adventure vacation to Ethiopia. I kid them that they only take vacations that require shots. They have worked very hard there whole life and have been very smart with their money. They retired early but still do volunteer work and my sister in law has gotten consulting jobs. She has a PHD in education. She's really smart. My brother, Jim, has been left with the huge responsibility of being head of our family since my Dad passed nine years ago. I just didn't have the heart to tell him we are filing bankruptcy and may have to borrow money to live. I know he would judge us harshly. Perhaps that's my own judgement and fear in my head. So I will talk to my younger brother Johnny who is the gentler and kinder judger. The real truth is that I am blessed to have them as my brother's and I am sure it's a huge concern for them that we are always on the edge, financially. It just seems to be the way our creative life has gone.

What I have come to realize is that everything that has happened to us in our life has definitely been for a reason. It has certainly pushed us to create very interesting projects and will continue to. It has opened my eyes to what is important. I now live more in the moment. I appreciate my food much more. Just this morning when I went to make my breakfast of fruit, cottage cheese and nuts, I thought, "how much food have we waisted in our lifetime?." I saw a soft banana in the bowl and took half of it for my breakfast and put the other in the frig to preserve it and eat it later. My mind is different and I see more clearly.

So i come back to the thought of my "first love", God. As the Daily Guide questions, "What if we unquestionably knew we were the love of God-how would we be and what would we do?" This is very deep and I will contemplate it for a long time. I am starting to understand the question and it will be a lifetime to really know the answer.
Yes, I am truly, truly grateful...Amen

It's Another Day in Paradise

The sun is just coming up over the hills.. It's beautiful with thick clouds full of colors of pink, blue and white. There is such a stillness in a sunrise. Inside I don't feel this stillness, I am sad, crying, angry and scared. I just don't feel fearless! At this very moment I'd just like to surrender...but to what? I don't want to be the fearless messenger. It's all so arduous. It's just so damned stressful. I am not in my grateful heart...so there! I'm like a school girl that wants to rebel, stomp my feet and stick my tongue out at everyone. My heart aches with grief, over what? Maybe grief isn't the right word. It's what came to me. I long to run to my cabin in the mountains and hide out but from what? I think I should rename this blog to, "The Fearful Ungrateful Live Tour."

Joe's heart went out of rhythm this morning at 4am. I know it's stress. I'm so sick of this crap. It's ridiculous that along with all these feelings I also feel guilty that I feel so bad as so many others are having worse problems. I spoke with a friend yesterday whose husband is having serious problems due to a reaction to radiation for his prostate cancer years ago. He went right from intensive care back to work cause he was afraid they would possibly lay him off due to his condition. They have a child with autism. My friend said her husbands contract is up in December and if it's not renewed she doesn't know what they will do. When I told her about our challenges, she offered to sell their Air Stream to us and suggested we sell everything and go live on a piece of land. Ouch...I felt a sting of shame come through my body. However, as I look back I know she is filled with fear and hearing my idea about touring the country in an RV didn't interest her. She said that we were lucky we don't have children. It gives us freedom. I don't feel free. I feel bound to the stuff of life...bitch bitch bitch...My friend said she'd pray for me. I can use the prayers...

The sun is aggressively coming up like a pushy old lady. In her pushiness it is quite beautiful and peaceful. It fills me with moments of peace. The sky keeps changing, just like life. I want to focus on the beauty, I want to make lemonade out of lemons but just bit into a rotten peach.I love my life and I love peaches. Kind of a metaphor for how I feel today. I tired of fighting the fearless women fight. I'm just going to lay my sword down and let life just be today. Yes, that's probably what I will do. Life will go on as it always does. So for today, I will bitch and moan for a while and probably go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I will come out of it...I always do. I am Pollyanna...always playing "The Glad Game."

The sun is now peaking over the hills. It's another day in paradise. It's only supposed to be 102 today! Okay, damn it, I am grateful...

Changing My Thoughts

If you want to know what your thoughts are, look at your life! That's what I read this morning. So I set out to make conscious change. I am not going to feel guilty about our financial struggles and say that we deserve it because we have a poverty mentality. Let's get real. Shit happens. I take responsibility for perhaps some misguided discisions but I am not about to beat myself up. Joe woke up looking a bit sad, as he usually does. So I read him the phrase of the day and said, "Okay, let's get our shoes on and go for a walk before it gets too hot." I think it's the first step in changing consciousness, no pun intended.

The other part of the writings from this morning is to do internal work and reach out to community. So that's what I will do. We don't have to do this journey alone. We need to record all of this challenge and transformation and I feel stuck with the idea of not having the perfect video camera. Even though I can do it on my Canon 5D, I haven't done it yet. Probably still stuck in shame, not to mention perhaps feeling like I will look too old, fat and pathetic. Oh, we poor humans.

So Joe is on the phone talking to a lawyer about bankruptcy. It may the best thing to do. As our friends said at dinner, "it will be such a relief." They went through it years ago. This is all such an interesting process and I truly don't feel like a failure, at least not at this moment, So it's finding how we can live our journey and keep on our mission and keep balanced.

So here I go on my day with my head held high, taking a deep breathe of courage into my full body. I know that planet earth is a school and everything we go through is part of the lessons to be learned. If I lost (I chose to say let go) of everything, I would still be so abundant. My thoughts are filled with gratitude for all we have and all we are. I am fearlessly grateful.

Fearless Gratitude

I had a wonderful conversation the other day with one of the women in my Fearless Women book, Adrienne. Her father just passed away. Like me, she is adopted, raised Catholic and born in St. Vincent Hospital in Chicago. I was born in St. Vincent Maternity home in Chicago. Yes, we have a lot in common. We both loved our Dad so much. My Dad left us a month after 9/11. I still miss him terribly. Adrienne said something very interesting. What got her through her grief was "fearless gratitude." I think about that phrase everyday. No matter what happens in our lives it's a great mantra.

This morning I woke up with fear in my belly and I thought about fearless gratitude. I am sitting on my porch looking out at the beautiful ancient pine trees singing a sweet song as the wind gently brushes the tops of their branches. Yes, I am grateful. I know I have to head back to LA today and long to stay here in the comfort of the mountains. It's living in the moment and seeing the beauty surrounding us that brings me to fearless gratitude. What if I died this next moment? I would be leaving the planet with my heart full of gratitude for what is in front of me, right now. So I am I waking up with such worry about money, and finances? It doesn't matter in the long run.

I fell asleep listening to radio station on my iPhone app, Hayhouse radio. There was a program with Esther Hicks, who channels Abraham. I woke up hearing her say that if you are in your power, you wake up everyday excited about your life and what will happen that day. How do I get to that? It's funny...I do love my life, I have these profound moments of inspiration and I am blessed with incredible projects. Most often, however, I am filled with thoughts of worry and concern about our finances. It's probably because Joe takes it so much to heart and of course, his heart goes out of rhythm so much lately. How symbolic!

I am rambling in this post. I suppose it's all part of the process to free flow the words to the page. I am proud of the piece I wrote for http://www.inspiremetoday.com/archiveDisp.php?type=0&ref=912. It says everything I feel about life and living.

So I sit on my porch next to my dear husband, Joe, so fearlessly grateful for my life, challenges and all. I am blessed. I am truly grateful.

View from Washington DC

Thanks to my dear friend, Liria, I am here in DC. We came with the intention of going to the fundraiser for the National Women's History Museum in DC, www.nwhm.org. It has taken Joan Wages about 15 years to lobby for the first National museum for women. Joan is the recipient of our Fearless Women Award. Part of our journey here is to present her fearless women sword to her at lunch. It's exciting to be part of her vision. As special guest, Meryl Steep expressed, there are museums about everything...a postal museum, a newseum (museum for news) and even a building museum. There is no National Women's History Museum in our nations capitol. Meryl went on to describe, poetically, the truth that men have been reluctant to pass the last piece of legislation that would honor their mother's and grandmother's. What's up with that? She then announced, to every ones surprise and elation, that she is committing to contribute one million dollars to the museum. Everyone jumped to their feet. What a moment!

I know that my vision of this Fearless Women Revolution is bigger than me...it's bigger than all of us! It is overwhelming at times to think of how to put it all together. It's such a lesson of surrendering to the dance of possibilities and trusting that I have the right dance shoes on. That to me is a great visual. The idea of dancing with wild abandonment, without fear of judgement, without fear period...a big one to embrace.

Watching Meryl Streep speak with grace, humor and power was inspiring. The valiant us of her celebrity is admirable. I want to remember that and model that.

So today we will be dancing around the Capitol as tourists. I want to experience all the monuments and historic places I have seen pictures of.

Life is such an adventure. I am grateful.