It's Another Day in Paradise

The sun is just coming up over the hills.. It's beautiful with thick clouds full of colors of pink, blue and white. There is such a stillness in a sunrise. Inside I don't feel this stillness, I am sad, crying, angry and scared. I just don't feel fearless! At this very moment I'd just like to surrender...but to what? I don't want to be the fearless messenger. It's all so arduous. It's just so damned stressful. I am not in my grateful heart...so there! I'm like a school girl that wants to rebel, stomp my feet and stick my tongue out at everyone. My heart aches with grief, over what? Maybe grief isn't the right word. It's what came to me. I long to run to my cabin in the mountains and hide out but from what? I think I should rename this blog to, "The Fearful Ungrateful Live Tour."

Joe's heart went out of rhythm this morning at 4am. I know it's stress. I'm so sick of this crap. It's ridiculous that along with all these feelings I also feel guilty that I feel so bad as so many others are having worse problems. I spoke with a friend yesterday whose husband is having serious problems due to a reaction to radiation for his prostate cancer years ago. He went right from intensive care back to work cause he was afraid they would possibly lay him off due to his condition. They have a child with autism. My friend said her husbands contract is up in December and if it's not renewed she doesn't know what they will do. When I told her about our challenges, she offered to sell their Air Stream to us and suggested we sell everything and go live on a piece of land. Ouch...I felt a sting of shame come through my body. However, as I look back I know she is filled with fear and hearing my idea about touring the country in an RV didn't interest her. She said that we were lucky we don't have children. It gives us freedom. I don't feel free. I feel bound to the stuff of life...bitch bitch bitch...My friend said she'd pray for me. I can use the prayers...

The sun is aggressively coming up like a pushy old lady. In her pushiness it is quite beautiful and peaceful. It fills me with moments of peace. The sky keeps changing, just like life. I want to focus on the beauty, I want to make lemonade out of lemons but just bit into a rotten peach.I love my life and I love peaches. Kind of a metaphor for how I feel today. I tired of fighting the fearless women fight. I'm just going to lay my sword down and let life just be today. Yes, that's probably what I will do. Life will go on as it always does. So for today, I will bitch and moan for a while and probably go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I will come out of it...I always do. I am Pollyanna...always playing "The Glad Game."

The sun is now peaking over the hills. It's another day in paradise. It's only supposed to be 102 today! Okay, damn it, I am grateful...