We Always Return to our First Love

When I read this phrase in the Daily Guide in Science of Mind Magazine, I thought of two things. First, my first real love is Joe but then I thought "no", my first love is God and myself as one. Being raised Catholic, it is challenging for me to think of God inside of me. We were always taught that God was out there or actually up there, looking after us, being this judgemental being. I am leaning that God is inside me, expressing herself as me. So it made me think, if that is so, why am I going through such sadness, fear and distress with our money situation? God wants only the best for us and it's up to us to make our life "the best." It makes us truly responsible for everything we do. We can't wait for God to save us. God already saved us by creating us. Am I talking out loud in this post? So going back to knowing this reminds me that, more than ever, I need to live in a grateful heart.

Life is such a game. I am in it to win! I am in it to have fun! Sometimes it's just damn painful but is that all self imposed? We are filing bankruptcy next week. There I said it! I even started videotaping our journey this morning. I am not quite sure how this will all go. Did I just say we were filing bankruptcy? I actually wrote it out loud! It sounds so irresponsible, like we are bad kids that can't pay our bills and so we just won't play anymore. That, however, is not the scariest part. The scariest part is that we are taking the last bit of money out of Joe's IRA. After that is gone, we will have absolutely no money. That's the thought in our heads, anyway. I start thinking about my friend Nancy who said, "Why don't you buy our Airstream and live on a piece of land." Are we bound to become trailer trash people living on welfare and food stamps? Is that a judgement on people living in trailers? I guess so. I am as bad as everyone else...nose in the air. Is this poetic justice? I would rather be a gypsy. It sounds more romantic. Perhaps that's what we will do. Well, that is sort of what we will do on our Fearless Grateful Live Tour.

I woke up with this thought of how we can get a reality show for this project and perhaps raise a little cash. It's really out there and will take our performing skills. Most of all it will take a lot of guts. I thought that for a full day, we could stand (although I think I will bring a stool) on the corner of the off ramp that goes to Universal and to Warner Bros. studios. That's where a lot of producers drive by. We could hold signs saying, "honk if you are grateful," or "need money to pay our mortgage" and better yet, "looking for someone to produce a reality show around our Fearless Grateful Live Tour." We would video tape this day and see what happens. It certainly would draw attention. We would have to negotiate with the druggie that homesteaded that corner. Perhaps we could give him a cut of our take.

I spoke to my older brother, Jim last night. He and his wife are going on a three week adventure vacation to Ethiopia. I kid them that they only take vacations that require shots. They have worked very hard there whole life and have been very smart with their money. They retired early but still do volunteer work and my sister in law has gotten consulting jobs. She has a PHD in education. She's really smart. My brother, Jim, has been left with the huge responsibility of being head of our family since my Dad passed nine years ago. I just didn't have the heart to tell him we are filing bankruptcy and may have to borrow money to live. I know he would judge us harshly. Perhaps that's my own judgement and fear in my head. So I will talk to my younger brother Johnny who is the gentler and kinder judger. The real truth is that I am blessed to have them as my brother's and I am sure it's a huge concern for them that we are always on the edge, financially. It just seems to be the way our creative life has gone.

What I have come to realize is that everything that has happened to us in our life has definitely been for a reason. It has certainly pushed us to create very interesting projects and will continue to. It has opened my eyes to what is important. I now live more in the moment. I appreciate my food much more. Just this morning when I went to make my breakfast of fruit, cottage cheese and nuts, I thought, "how much food have we waisted in our lifetime?." I saw a soft banana in the bowl and took half of it for my breakfast and put the other in the frig to preserve it and eat it later. My mind is different and I see more clearly.

So i come back to the thought of my "first love", God. As the Daily Guide questions, "What if we unquestionably knew we were the love of God-how would we be and what would we do?" This is very deep and I will contemplate it for a long time. I am starting to understand the question and it will be a lifetime to really know the answer.
Yes, I am truly, truly grateful...Amen

It's Another Day in Paradise

The sun is just coming up over the hills.. It's beautiful with thick clouds full of colors of pink, blue and white. There is such a stillness in a sunrise. Inside I don't feel this stillness, I am sad, crying, angry and scared. I just don't feel fearless! At this very moment I'd just like to surrender...but to what? I don't want to be the fearless messenger. It's all so arduous. It's just so damned stressful. I am not in my grateful heart...so there! I'm like a school girl that wants to rebel, stomp my feet and stick my tongue out at everyone. My heart aches with grief, over what? Maybe grief isn't the right word. It's what came to me. I long to run to my cabin in the mountains and hide out but from what? I think I should rename this blog to, "The Fearful Ungrateful Live Tour."

Joe's heart went out of rhythm this morning at 4am. I know it's stress. I'm so sick of this crap. It's ridiculous that along with all these feelings I also feel guilty that I feel so bad as so many others are having worse problems. I spoke with a friend yesterday whose husband is having serious problems due to a reaction to radiation for his prostate cancer years ago. He went right from intensive care back to work cause he was afraid they would possibly lay him off due to his condition. They have a child with autism. My friend said her husbands contract is up in December and if it's not renewed she doesn't know what they will do. When I told her about our challenges, she offered to sell their Air Stream to us and suggested we sell everything and go live on a piece of land. Ouch...I felt a sting of shame come through my body. However, as I look back I know she is filled with fear and hearing my idea about touring the country in an RV didn't interest her. She said that we were lucky we don't have children. It gives us freedom. I don't feel free. I feel bound to the stuff of life...bitch bitch bitch...My friend said she'd pray for me. I can use the prayers...

The sun is aggressively coming up like a pushy old lady. In her pushiness it is quite beautiful and peaceful. It fills me with moments of peace. The sky keeps changing, just like life. I want to focus on the beauty, I want to make lemonade out of lemons but just bit into a rotten peach.I love my life and I love peaches. Kind of a metaphor for how I feel today. I tired of fighting the fearless women fight. I'm just going to lay my sword down and let life just be today. Yes, that's probably what I will do. Life will go on as it always does. So for today, I will bitch and moan for a while and probably go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I will come out of it...I always do. I am Pollyanna...always playing "The Glad Game."

The sun is now peaking over the hills. It's another day in paradise. It's only supposed to be 102 today! Okay, damn it, I am grateful...

Changing My Thoughts

If you want to know what your thoughts are, look at your life! That's what I read this morning. So I set out to make conscious change. I am not going to feel guilty about our financial struggles and say that we deserve it because we have a poverty mentality. Let's get real. Shit happens. I take responsibility for perhaps some misguided discisions but I am not about to beat myself up. Joe woke up looking a bit sad, as he usually does. So I read him the phrase of the day and said, "Okay, let's get our shoes on and go for a walk before it gets too hot." I think it's the first step in changing consciousness, no pun intended.

The other part of the writings from this morning is to do internal work and reach out to community. So that's what I will do. We don't have to do this journey alone. We need to record all of this challenge and transformation and I feel stuck with the idea of not having the perfect video camera. Even though I can do it on my Canon 5D, I haven't done it yet. Probably still stuck in shame, not to mention perhaps feeling like I will look too old, fat and pathetic. Oh, we poor humans.

So Joe is on the phone talking to a lawyer about bankruptcy. It may the best thing to do. As our friends said at dinner, "it will be such a relief." They went through it years ago. This is all such an interesting process and I truly don't feel like a failure, at least not at this moment, So it's finding how we can live our journey and keep on our mission and keep balanced.

So here I go on my day with my head held high, taking a deep breathe of courage into my full body. I know that planet earth is a school and everything we go through is part of the lessons to be learned. If I lost (I chose to say let go) of everything, I would still be so abundant. My thoughts are filled with gratitude for all we have and all we are. I am fearlessly grateful.

Fearless Gratitude

I had a wonderful conversation the other day with one of the women in my Fearless Women book, Adrienne. Her father just passed away. Like me, she is adopted, raised Catholic and born in St. Vincent Hospital in Chicago. I was born in St. Vincent Maternity home in Chicago. Yes, we have a lot in common. We both loved our Dad so much. My Dad left us a month after 9/11. I still miss him terribly. Adrienne said something very interesting. What got her through her grief was "fearless gratitude." I think about that phrase everyday. No matter what happens in our lives it's a great mantra.

This morning I woke up with fear in my belly and I thought about fearless gratitude. I am sitting on my porch looking out at the beautiful ancient pine trees singing a sweet song as the wind gently brushes the tops of their branches. Yes, I am grateful. I know I have to head back to LA today and long to stay here in the comfort of the mountains. It's living in the moment and seeing the beauty surrounding us that brings me to fearless gratitude. What if I died this next moment? I would be leaving the planet with my heart full of gratitude for what is in front of me, right now. So I am I waking up with such worry about money, and finances? It doesn't matter in the long run.

I fell asleep listening to radio station on my iPhone app, Hayhouse radio. There was a program with Esther Hicks, who channels Abraham. I woke up hearing her say that if you are in your power, you wake up everyday excited about your life and what will happen that day. How do I get to that? It's funny...I do love my life, I have these profound moments of inspiration and I am blessed with incredible projects. Most often, however, I am filled with thoughts of worry and concern about our finances. It's probably because Joe takes it so much to heart and of course, his heart goes out of rhythm so much lately. How symbolic!

I am rambling in this post. I suppose it's all part of the process to free flow the words to the page. I am proud of the piece I wrote for http://www.inspiremetoday.com/archiveDisp.php?type=0&ref=912. It says everything I feel about life and living.

So I sit on my porch next to my dear husband, Joe, so fearlessly grateful for my life, challenges and all. I am blessed. I am truly grateful.

View from Washington DC

Thanks to my dear friend, Liria, I am here in DC. We came with the intention of going to the fundraiser for the National Women's History Museum in DC, www.nwhm.org. It has taken Joan Wages about 15 years to lobby for the first National museum for women. Joan is the recipient of our Fearless Women Award. Part of our journey here is to present her fearless women sword to her at lunch. It's exciting to be part of her vision. As special guest, Meryl Steep expressed, there are museums about everything...a postal museum, a newseum (museum for news) and even a building museum. There is no National Women's History Museum in our nations capitol. Meryl went on to describe, poetically, the truth that men have been reluctant to pass the last piece of legislation that would honor their mother's and grandmother's. What's up with that? She then announced, to every ones surprise and elation, that she is committing to contribute one million dollars to the museum. Everyone jumped to their feet. What a moment!

I know that my vision of this Fearless Women Revolution is bigger than me...it's bigger than all of us! It is overwhelming at times to think of how to put it all together. It's such a lesson of surrendering to the dance of possibilities and trusting that I have the right dance shoes on. That to me is a great visual. The idea of dancing with wild abandonment, without fear of judgement, without fear period...a big one to embrace.

Watching Meryl Streep speak with grace, humor and power was inspiring. The valiant us of her celebrity is admirable. I want to remember that and model that.

So today we will be dancing around the Capitol as tourists. I want to experience all the monuments and historic places I have seen pictures of.

Life is such an adventure. I am grateful.

Women Helping Women

Yesterday I had a spontaneous get together with my friend Lisa. She is a very talented artist who designs extraordinary candles. Her clients are Cher, Christina Aguliera and many other stars. She is on an amazing adventure with her business. A company bought part of her candle business and is expanding it globally. She has been back and forth to New York, London and Paris. I felt very lucky that she has time to hang out with me for an afternoon. We decided to take a walk in Studio City, looking into shop windows while chatting about our lives. We ended up at Mexicali for guacamole, chips and chardonnay. What a great way to spend an afternoon with a long time girlfriend. We talked about our creative lives and financial challenges. It seems like all my incredible girlfriends are doing amazing things with their lives and on the verge of huge financial successes but still in the mist of struggle.

So Lisa and I spoke of "the shift" in the world and how important it is to have human connection and contribute to the planet. She began to coach me in merchandising of my Fearless Women brand. We both agreed that in order to help others and the world we need to help ourselves. It's the oxygen mask on the airplane theory. It was very generous of her to commit to sharing her contacts. She reminded me how much I helped her over the years with ideas and inspiration. I forgot as that is just what I love to do. She felt compelled to help me with her wisdom and connections. It's women helping women...what a wonderful concept.

Speaking of women, I am leaving for Washington DC tomorrow for a gala benefit for The National Women's History Museum hosted by Meryl Streep. I am excited. I will be meeting many women in Congress and the Senate. I look forward to seeing the sites of DC.

So I continue on my journey, feeling very blessed to have the incredible women in my life. The best part of life is helping each other out.

I am grateful.

Mani Pedi Day with Mom

Look, I have nothing to complain about. I have a flexible business where I can take off time to go take my 87 year old Mom for our traditional mani pedi adventure. I am truly blessed. It's hard to see that when we are running out of money...seemingly. The truth is that we have so many big and amazing things on the horizon that I know that money will always be there. Like I said in my first post, "Abundance is a state of being." We are truly abundant!

I took a wonderful sunset hike in Fryman Canyon with my friend, Shelly. A beautiful Italian woman in her 50's, she is a stunning and powerful vision. Men would walk by us and look her up and down giving her a big smiled greeting. She is oblivious to it as we continue our dialogue about money, credit cards and loan modifications for our mortgages. I learned that if you go to the Bank of America website, which is where our mortgage is, there is a place to fill in for a load mod if you are having trouble paying your mortgage. Interesting what there is out there. We talked about the shame of our situation that is making our bellies ache. LA is a tough town of judgement. "You have to be careful who you tell your situation to", she says. Shelly is a writer with two projects finally getting developed and going into casting with some very big stars interested. She is a fearless woman with a huge belief in ultimate possibilities. I have watched her over the years through a divorce, finding out her fiance cheating on her, almost losing her home and walking away from her credit cards. It's been a tough journey for her but she never never gives up on life or love. She is in a wonderful relationship now. Both being artists, it's been a challenging journey but they are going it together. Just like Joe and I, it's a blessing to have a partner in life and love.

Joe and I always start our day reading the inspirational phrase for the day in the Science of Mind magazine. We follow with a prayer treatment. We inhale the prayer into our God centered heart. It is a remembrance of what is important in life...that God is in us through us as us. That is what is real.

Today I see beyond the discomfort of my present situation, knowing that when I trust life, all is perfect. I know that if everything material went away from me in my life, we would still have enormous abundance. So I must get out of my kimono and into my mani pedi lunch outfit to journey to Santa Clarita to pick up mom.
I am grateful!

The heaviness in my belly

I woke up today with a feeling of heaviness in my belly. Could it be the cheap Chinese food we ate late night. It's amazing that you can get Chinese dinner for two for $15. It's tasty but it didn't sit well with me. I feel so sad lately. It's really not because we are having financial challenges. I have just been feeling the pain of the world. Our challenges are just a tear drop in the ocean. I listened to a narration of Chief Seattle's speech from 1854 http://www.halcyon.com/arborhts/chiefsea.html, narrated by a Native American, Wes Felty. It made me cry, again. Chief Seattle was a seer and could obviously look into the future of our world. He was right, we have not honored the waters, the buffalo or our Mother Earth. It makes me want to scream with anger, shame and frustration. Yes, I know I have co-created this and what do we do.

Joe had two calls from credit card companies. He stunned the woman on the other end of the phone when he told her he can't talk right now cause he is having heart problems. What a job they have, calling people to pay their credit cards. I don't know how they deal with it. Joe is so kind when he speaks to them and always asks, "How's your day going?" Sometimes after he tells his story they will actually be compassionate and say, "You can't believe the stories I hear."

I happened to turn on The Today Show this morning. Sometimes I refer to the TV as the oracle, as it can be an inspiration to me at the perfect time. i tuned in to see a segment called "Your Life Calling" by Jane Pauley, http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/39210469#39210469. The piece was on a woman Catherine Zimmerman, who reinvented herself at 50 by going back to school to learn sustainable gardening. She then created and self published a book, Urban and Suburban Meadows, http://www.amazon.com/Urban-Suburban-Meadows-Bringing-Meadowscaping/dp/0984456007. I suppose that I identify with her as she is my age now and may be losing her home. She is fearless and we need to put her in our fearless women tribe. I encourage everyone to buy her book. She like me, has created a movement, "The Meadow Movement."

I am forging through my day...my life, finding the inspiration that is around me. Heavy belly and all, I know I have a calling to fulfill. So I go through the tears, go back to bed sometimes because I just can't seem to find the energy to fight the good fight. Ultimately I come back to my grateful heart.
I am blessed...I am grateful.

His Gentle Heart

My sweet wonderful sensitive husband, Joe is such a strong man with such a gentle heart. It's really hard on him that we are having financial stress. His heart went out of rhythm, again. It's happening more frequently. He has to double up on his medication and rest for a while. I am so scared for him...for me. What would I do without him? Oh God, I don't even want to go there. That's just not going to happen. I can let go of everything in my life but him!

We had friends over last night for dinner for a couple of reasons, to have a social fun time and also to share how we are settling our credit cards. We read Kenny Golde's book, Do-It Yourself Bailout, http://www.settleyourcreditcards.com/. It's a very helpful book. I just emailed Kenny to see if he will do a lecture here for all our friends in credit card hell. So with our friend last night, Joe made a sumptuous dinner and we drank nice wine, sitting out in front by the sidewalk. We live a simple life in LA in a townhouse apartment we have rented for almost 30 years. Our front porch consists of a little bench in a small rock garden with a garden Buddha. So that's where we sat and sipped our wine, speaking of our fear of having all this debt and what we can do about it. We spoke about the secrets we all have, the embarrassment and the shame. It was a relief for the four of us to share. However, I think we drank too much wine and they smoked too many cigarette's. It's all part of the stress of it all. We did have fun, singing badly around the piano as Joe played. It was wonderful. So we decided that every Tuesday would be "Tunes on Tuesday's". Funny how we can get let go of stress when we allow music in our lives. Life is magical with music.

To be honest, I feel a bit hungover and pickled. I need to collect myself by 11am this morning to be on a Internet radio show, talking about my book, Fearless Women. I don't feel very fearless. Should I talk about it or should I just go into my fearless woman character...whatever that is? I will see when the moment arrives. I seem to be living more and more in the moment. I suppose it's because I don't know what will be next and not trying to figure it out. That's a new one for me.

On the way to have coffee with my friend, Mary, yesterday, I pulled off the freeway ramp to see an older plump man holding a sign. I couldn't read what it said but noticed his face was soft with sadness and despair. I rolled down my window of my Hylander that is not paid for and asked him what his story was. I think he is used to telling a capsulized version before the traffic light turned green, in hopes of getting some money. I had a few 20 dollar bills. My first thought was, "I can't give him a 20, I'm not that far behind him" but something came over me. As he told me of his situation, being homeless, just paying for his mother's funeral and having no money, I began to cry. I gave him the 20, squeezed his hand and said, "God bless you, we are all having tough times." He replied, "Yes Mam, thank you." I drove off gently sobbing.

So there was Mary, elegantly sitting there at Starbucks. She looked somewhat out of place with her Jackie O sunglasses, stunningly put together with a gold broach on her lapel and scarf around her neck. I have always admired her classy style and attention to detail. We spoke of many things and then I told her about our financial challenges. I shared about my project, The Fearless Grateful Live Tour and documenting the letting go of as many material things as we can to travel across the country for a year in an RV. Our goal is to be the mirror for what is going on in the country and possibly help shepard people through there own financial challenges. I told her we want to help fund raise in every city to help families in need and rally people to find something to be grateful for. I will document it photographically and then create exhibits in each city. She was very moved and began to tear up and confessed her own situation. It moves me that by our decision to be honest, it has opened up a dialogue with every person I have spoken to.

Later yesterday, I spoke to Jean who lives in Austin, Texas. She is an amazing woman featured in my book. As a very successful accountant, Jean is also a a writer, a visionary and a fearless woman with a big heart. She wrote a book called, "The Naked Accountant" http://www.thenakedaccountant.com. You can tell by the title that she has a wicked sense of humor.
Whenever I need to brainstorm or get feed back from someone I call Jean. She has the wisdom and compassion I need to understand and help me in my process. I am grateful to have her friendship and council. See...it always goes back to gratitude.

My life is amazing with unlimited possibilities. It's hard to see the possibilities when fear has slimmed me. Its a lesson in trusting life, trusting myself and know that all is good. My goal is to keep living in a grateful heart. I need to look in on Joe. I need to trust that his gentle and sensitive heart is strong and he will be just fine.
I am grateful!

My Butterfly Pajamas

I have to admit, I have slow entry into life in the morning. I love lounging in my orange butterfly pajamas, sipping my English Breakfast tea, gazing out my window at the jacaranda tree. LA has the most stunning weather. I don't care what people say about this city, I appreciate it's palm tree, Hollywood, blue sky (slightly brown at times) beauty.

The challenge of course living here is feeling compelled to do the dance of posturing and pretending that we are abundantly wealthy. The truth is, most of us have maxed out on our credit cards, leasing cars way too expensive for our budget and just in general, talking a good game. I'm pretty tired of it. I do it myself. "How are you?' I am actually getting to hate that question. I always answer something very positive, "Fabulous...we are doing great!" Moments of that are true but overall I just want to scream, "I am exhausted from the fight and I am not feeling fearless today!" You know that no one wants to know the truth. It's too frightening for them to hear as it makes them think about their own challenges. Oh, we poor humans!

Then there is the new thought, new age community...bless our positive little hearts, insisting that we must watch our thoughts. What you think and what you say will manifest. I understand the concept but let's get real, sometimes you just have to tell the truth and surrender. Anyway, I am just not feeling fearless today. I'm tired and cranky and I feel fat. I know there is something I need to get done. I just don't know what it is. I think there is a list of "to do's" hiding from me somewhere. Isn't it possible to just take it easy. No not for me. I have do create or it's a good self flogging.

I spoke at a women's gathering last night. It was appropriately called, "Fearless Women." After illustrious and ceremonial introductions, three fearless women took turns talking about their life journey's. I was the caboose. No illustrious intro for me, "Here's our own Mary Ann to wrap up the evening. What's the name of your book, Mary Ann?." Women were running out of the room to pee after imbibing in bottles of water and finger food. Yes, I felt the dragon of my ego lift it's heavy head. I talked about my journey creating my books, "Fearless Women." I was supposed to have only 5 minutes but I don't know how long I spoke not much longer. Towards the end I felt I was not telling the whole truth. I don't think I am quite ready to say it. The "it" will be spoken soon, when I'm ready.

I heard a phrase today that really took my breath away, "Fear let's me know when I'm on the brink of something incredible."
Well, yes...I know I am on the brink. I better get out of my pajamas to welcome that something incredible that's coming!
Okay, Yes...I am grateful!

Abundance is a State of Being

Life has been very interesting up until now. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, it has become fascinating! This, my first post, is to let you know and to reveal or perhaps come out of the closet about our life. We are on the edge of having no money! Many of you are saying, "So what else is new!". I know you aren't saying that about us but perhaps about your own life. Of course, who really wants to say it in our out loud voice. It's quite a shame. It's frightening. It's unthinkable that we share that. It's like saying we are wearing dirty underwear. Well, I have come out of the closet and am showing my "dirty underwear". So there you have it now. I am a very successful photographer on the verge of having no money! Exhale...what a relief to speak it.

I was invited to be a luminary for a wonderful website, www.inspiremetoday.com, to write something inspiring for humanity. It actually inspired me to come clean with my life. I hope my blogging on this topic will help some people through the "shift" that we are all going through on this planet.

You know, we are all supposed to pretend that everything in our life is perfect. Don't get me wrong, I am not one to encourage people to wallow in the misery of lack. I think we just need to be honest about the fact that we need to learn to live differently. We may need to let go of some material things. We need to acknowledge that "abundance" doesn't necessary mean that you have a lot of material wealth. Abundance is a state of being. If I have to sell everything off to simplify my life, that is what I will do. I will still feel I have an abundance of love, family, food, creativity, spirituality, nature, health and most of all my wonderful husband, Joe...aka "my hunk of burning love."

I know this will be more than an interesting journey. I am grateful...