When I read this phrase in the Daily Guide in Science of Mind Magazine, I thought of two things. First, my first real love is Joe but then I thought "no", my first love is God and myself as one. Being raised Catholic, it is challenging for me to think of God inside of me. We were always taught that God was out there or actually up there, looking after us, being this judgemental being. I am leaning that God is inside me, expressing herself as me. So it made me think, if that is so, why am I going through such sadness, fear and distress with our money situation? God wants only the best for us and it's up to us to make our life "the best." It makes us truly responsible for everything we do. We can't wait for God to save us. God already saved us by creating us. Am I talking out loud in this post? So going back to knowing this reminds me that, more than ever, I need to live in a grateful heart.
Life is such a game. I am in it to win! I am in it to have fun! Sometimes it's just damn painful but is that all self imposed? We are filing bankruptcy next week. There I said it! I even started videotaping our journey this morning. I am not quite sure how this will all go. Did I just say we were filing bankruptcy? I actually wrote it out loud! It sounds so irresponsible, like we are bad kids that can't pay our bills and so we just won't play anymore. That, however, is not the scariest part. The scariest part is that we are taking the last bit of money out of Joe's IRA. After that is gone, we will have absolutely no money. That's the thought in our heads, anyway. I start thinking about my friend Nancy who said, "Why don't you buy our Airstream and live on a piece of land." Are we bound to become trailer trash people living on welfare and food stamps? Is that a judgement on people living in trailers? I guess so. I am as bad as everyone else...nose in the air. Is this poetic justice? I would rather be a gypsy. It sounds more romantic. Perhaps that's what we will do. Well, that is sort of what we will do on our Fearless Grateful Live Tour.
I woke up with this thought of how we can get a reality show for this project and perhaps raise a little cash. It's really out there and will take our performing skills. Most of all it will take a lot of guts. I thought that for a full day, we could stand (although I think I will bring a stool) on the corner of the off ramp that goes to Universal and to Warner Bros. studios. That's where a lot of producers drive by. We could hold signs saying, "honk if you are grateful," or "need money to pay our mortgage" and better yet, "looking for someone to produce a reality show around our Fearless Grateful Live Tour." We would video tape this day and see what happens. It certainly would draw attention. We would have to negotiate with the druggie that homesteaded that corner. Perhaps we could give him a cut of our take.
I spoke to my older brother, Jim last night. He and his wife are going on a three week adventure vacation to Ethiopia. I kid them that they only take vacations that require shots. They have worked very hard there whole life and have been very smart with their money. They retired early but still do volunteer work and my sister in law has gotten consulting jobs. She has a PHD in education. She's really smart. My brother, Jim, has been left with the huge responsibility of being head of our family since my Dad passed nine years ago. I just didn't have the heart to tell him we are filing bankruptcy and may have to borrow money to live. I know he would judge us harshly. Perhaps that's my own judgement and fear in my head. So I will talk to my younger brother Johnny who is the gentler and kinder judger. The real truth is that I am blessed to have them as my brother's and I am sure it's a huge concern for them that we are always on the edge, financially. It just seems to be the way our creative life has gone.
What I have come to realize is that everything that has happened to us in our life has definitely been for a reason. It has certainly pushed us to create very interesting projects and will continue to. It has opened my eyes to what is important. I now live more in the moment. I appreciate my food much more. Just this morning when I went to make my breakfast of fruit, cottage cheese and nuts, I thought, "how much food have we waisted in our lifetime?." I saw a soft banana in the bowl and took half of it for my breakfast and put the other in the frig to preserve it and eat it later. My mind is different and I see more clearly.
So i come back to the thought of my "first love", God. As the Daily Guide questions, "What if we unquestionably knew we were the love of God-how would we be and what would we do?" This is very deep and I will contemplate it for a long time. I am starting to understand the question and it will be a lifetime to really know the answer.
Yes, I am truly, truly grateful...Amen
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