His Gentle Heart

My sweet wonderful sensitive husband, Joe is such a strong man with such a gentle heart. It's really hard on him that we are having financial stress. His heart went out of rhythm, again. It's happening more frequently. He has to double up on his medication and rest for a while. I am so scared for him...for me. What would I do without him? Oh God, I don't even want to go there. That's just not going to happen. I can let go of everything in my life but him!

We had friends over last night for dinner for a couple of reasons, to have a social fun time and also to share how we are settling our credit cards. We read Kenny Golde's book, Do-It Yourself Bailout, http://www.settleyourcreditcards.com/. It's a very helpful book. I just emailed Kenny to see if he will do a lecture here for all our friends in credit card hell. So with our friend last night, Joe made a sumptuous dinner and we drank nice wine, sitting out in front by the sidewalk. We live a simple life in LA in a townhouse apartment we have rented for almost 30 years. Our front porch consists of a little bench in a small rock garden with a garden Buddha. So that's where we sat and sipped our wine, speaking of our fear of having all this debt and what we can do about it. We spoke about the secrets we all have, the embarrassment and the shame. It was a relief for the four of us to share. However, I think we drank too much wine and they smoked too many cigarette's. It's all part of the stress of it all. We did have fun, singing badly around the piano as Joe played. It was wonderful. So we decided that every Tuesday would be "Tunes on Tuesday's". Funny how we can get let go of stress when we allow music in our lives. Life is magical with music.

To be honest, I feel a bit hungover and pickled. I need to collect myself by 11am this morning to be on a Internet radio show, talking about my book, Fearless Women. I don't feel very fearless. Should I talk about it or should I just go into my fearless woman character...whatever that is? I will see when the moment arrives. I seem to be living more and more in the moment. I suppose it's because I don't know what will be next and not trying to figure it out. That's a new one for me.

On the way to have coffee with my friend, Mary, yesterday, I pulled off the freeway ramp to see an older plump man holding a sign. I couldn't read what it said but noticed his face was soft with sadness and despair. I rolled down my window of my Hylander that is not paid for and asked him what his story was. I think he is used to telling a capsulized version before the traffic light turned green, in hopes of getting some money. I had a few 20 dollar bills. My first thought was, "I can't give him a 20, I'm not that far behind him" but something came over me. As he told me of his situation, being homeless, just paying for his mother's funeral and having no money, I began to cry. I gave him the 20, squeezed his hand and said, "God bless you, we are all having tough times." He replied, "Yes Mam, thank you." I drove off gently sobbing.

So there was Mary, elegantly sitting there at Starbucks. She looked somewhat out of place with her Jackie O sunglasses, stunningly put together with a gold broach on her lapel and scarf around her neck. I have always admired her classy style and attention to detail. We spoke of many things and then I told her about our financial challenges. I shared about my project, The Fearless Grateful Live Tour and documenting the letting go of as many material things as we can to travel across the country for a year in an RV. Our goal is to be the mirror for what is going on in the country and possibly help shepard people through there own financial challenges. I told her we want to help fund raise in every city to help families in need and rally people to find something to be grateful for. I will document it photographically and then create exhibits in each city. She was very moved and began to tear up and confessed her own situation. It moves me that by our decision to be honest, it has opened up a dialogue with every person I have spoken to.

Later yesterday, I spoke to Jean who lives in Austin, Texas. She is an amazing woman featured in my book. As a very successful accountant, Jean is also a a writer, a visionary and a fearless woman with a big heart. She wrote a book called, "The Naked Accountant" http://www.thenakedaccountant.com. You can tell by the title that she has a wicked sense of humor.
Whenever I need to brainstorm or get feed back from someone I call Jean. She has the wisdom and compassion I need to understand and help me in my process. I am grateful to have her friendship and council. See...it always goes back to gratitude.

My life is amazing with unlimited possibilities. It's hard to see the possibilities when fear has slimmed me. Its a lesson in trusting life, trusting myself and know that all is good. My goal is to keep living in a grateful heart. I need to look in on Joe. I need to trust that his gentle and sensitive heart is strong and he will be just fine.
I am grateful!